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My husband needed to take off work one time because I wanted needed help taking all 4 kids (ages 5, 3, and 18 month old twins) to the doctor. His co-worker said, “She’s just a stay at home mom. She can’t do it herself? Isn’t that her job?” Really? As if stay at home moms don’t need a break ever now and then! Furthermore, as if it was any of his business…he wasn’t even my husband’s boss! Anyway…
First, It took just about all I had to control the fury in me. But then I had to regain my composure and shake off his comment to true ignorance. He had no idea what all was involved in being a stay at home mom. Or how exhausting it is! Second, I thanked the good Lord he wasn’t my husband….
I’ve been on all gamuts of the work force. I worked part-time jobs while attending college. Once I started teaching, I worked full-time and continued grad school. I continued teaching, coaching and waiting tables on weekends while finishing my Ph.D. I was easily working 80-hour weeks before I had kids, but it was manageable. My house was clean, my bills were paid, my laundry was done, my work and school responsibilities met.
My typical Day
Once I left the workforce to become a stay at home mom, however, the whole game changed! I work non-stop. Without compensation, I might add. We’ll just ignore the fact that I woke up 2 – 3 times a night to feed our twins (our only babies who took a bit longer to start sleeping through the night) and that I spent years of my life attached to a breastpump. All of that was to be expected.
Now that the kids are out of the infancy stage, however, I’m still the first one to rise and the last one to go to bed. I spend most of my day in the kitchen, making snacks, washing sippy cups, and cleaning messes (I don’t spend much time cooking in there, though). My twins are still in diapers, so I change at least 12 stinky diapers a day. I redirect arguments between my two oldest two more times than I can count. And then of course there’s laundry for a family of 6, making beds, putting things away, making phone calls (which is almost impossible), and doing any kind of housekeeping or errand I can fit in before my husband gets home around 4 each day.
Try doing all that while homeschooling and of course, engaging 4 children in meaningful activities other than TV! And people wonder why stay at home moms need a break! It’s constant go, go, go! I always have to stay a step ahead of the kids, and it’s exhausting. By the end of the night, I’m tired, filthy, and worn out. But if I want to work out, blog, read, or do anything for myself, this is usually the only time to do it!
Finding Encouragement
My kids are too young to appreciate all that I do for them, and I get that. Sure, they tell me thank you for the sno cones or new toys or unexpected treats they get. But they rarely appreciate the clean, folded, and put away laundry. Or the sparkling toilet. Or the overall tidy house. One day, I hope they’ll appreciate their education, but they don’t yet.
It’s extremely difficult working so hard all day without appreciation from anyone except from my husband. My dad used to tell me that he appreciated all I did for my kids and the fact that we decided to homeschool. But he has since passed and isn’t here to give me that encouragement anymore. Thankfully my husband truly understands why stay at home moms need a break, and he makes a tremendous effort every weekend to give me some much needed downtime.
Still I keep going, hoping that I am teaching my children by example. I want my children to look back at their childhoods and realize that their mom worked hard to meet all of their needs. I certainly didn’t watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians or spend time perfecting my hair and make-up everyday. Who has time for that?!
Stay at Home Moms Need a Break
I work from home now (add that on top of everything else!), and I used to hire a sitter for a few hours a week to give me time to focus on work. This was my “break”, even though it was work. It was just a chance to do something different than what I did everyday.
However, when COVID-19 hit America, we discontinued our sitter and I found myself unable to take the children to our usual outings because they were all closed. Talk about stressed out! Stay at home moms need a break anyway, but COVID-19 made it much more difficult. I needed time to work but couldn’t find a good time to do it, and that became very frustrating. The kids became restless and missed their time at the park, library, bowling alley, and pool. We all needed a break.
Finding a Break
My wonderful husband helped me work through the stress, and we came up with a few ideas. Here’s how stay at home moms can get a break, even when it seems almost impossible:
Wake Up Earlier Than Everyone Else
I know this doesn’t sound enticing, but waking up earlier than everyone else in your household is so peaceful. It’s so nice to have even just an hour of time to do whatever you want. This is probably the only hour of my day where no one is constantly calling my name, needing something. I usually spend this time drinking coffee in bed, reading a book or blogging. It’s a great way to start the day!
Enforce Mandatory Quiet Time
We have started mandatory quiet time in my house. My kids were going crazy every night around 6, and it was because they were over-tired. Now, every day around 2, everyone goes to their rooms for about an hour. They can nap, play with toys, read books, whatever they choose. But they have to stay in their rooms for an hour. This is non-negotiable. This time gives stay at home moms a break during that day to help them refocus and clear their minds from all the chaos of the day. I make it a point not to do chores during this time. Chores are something I can do when the kids are awake. I can hardly get to my computer when the kids are up, so that what I use quiet time for.
Institute Early Bedtime
We have a pretty early bedtime around here, around 7:30. We always have, Getting your kids to bed that early shouldn’t be a problem if they’ve played adequately during the day (and not watched TV or played video games all day!). My kids all sleep about 12 hours a night, and they all have since they were about 4 – 6 months old (the twins were about 6 months old). To help facilitate this, everyone has a sound machine. My little girl has this one (my favorite), my little boys have this one, and my husband’s is a little nicer. Getting the kids to bed early gives stay at home moms a break at the end of the night…a time to relax, work out, read a book, or wind down.
Get in the Car
This sounds silly, but sometimes taking a long drive helps stay at home moms find a break, too! When I take the kids to the zoo (yes, all four…it’s a lot of hard work and preparation), it’s about an hour away. I choose to take this drive for a few reasons. First, it’s the closest zoo to us in South Carolina and it’s an excellent one. Second, we spend a long time there, about 3 – 4 hours. It’s a great educational and physical experience for the kids. Third, this stay at home mom needs a break! Break, you say? How does that happen? This sounds like a lot of work! Well, after everyone is so tired from the zoo, we load up and come home. Five minutes later in the van, all my kids are passed out! It’s so quiet. No crying, no fighting, no fussing, no dirty dishes or diapers. Yes, I’m driving. But it’s one of the few chances I get to listen to my music and drink a cup of coffee. It’s a small reward for all my hard work herding them for the past few hours at the zoo. Hey, I’ll take it!
Indulge in a Hobby
Sometimes, getting an actual break away from your kids is just impossible. There are days the kids wake up as early as I do or quiet time is scheduled with doctor’s appointments. It happens! At the very minimum, you can rest your brain and get a break from wearing the mom hat by finding a way to indulge in your hobby. I like to read a book while sitting on the back deck as the kids play on the swingset outside. Or, I’ll get out my Cricut and do whatever crafting comes to mind while the kids play legos in the living room floor. Every now and then, they’ll even let me sew, but I have to gauge the mood of the kids that day before taking on that hobby! Sometimes, my kids like to join me in my hobbies, so I’ll give them a special little space to make a mess while I make an actual craft. Even though you may not have the quiet you were hoping for, the change of pace is still enough to give stay at home mom a break!
Final Thoughts
Raising children is an all-consuming, highly demanding responsibility with a very delayed reward. Yes, we love our children, but being a stay at home mom can be stressful. Don’t be afraid to admit it, and ask for help and support when you are at your wit’s end! Lean on your husband when you need to….these children (biological or not) are his responsibility, too! Your husband and you are a team, and kids require a team effort.
In order to maintain your own sense of sanity and well-being, it is imperative that you find a break every day. We all need a break from our jobs, and stay at home moms are no exception! I encourage you to try some, if not all, of the suggestions above, if you don’t already! See how getting a break improves your overall mental health, patience, ad well-being as you continue to work in what I consider the most important occupation in America today.