When my husband and I decided to homeschool our children, we knew that homeschooling and socialization would be hard to provide together. Students who attend school are naturally around children their own age every day. Socialization happens as part of the underlying curriculum of a public, private, or charter school. But things are different in a homeschool setting. Even with the best of our efforts, and a great homeschool co-op and local support group, we still fall short of providing our children with enough socialization opportunities.
I’m sure I’m not the only parent in this situation. The reasons probably vary for everyone, but here are some of the main culprits:
1. Time hinders socialization
Instead of being able to integrate socialization into my everyday curriculum, I must set aside separate time for it. This time includes driving (we live 30 minutes from anywhere); planning the event; and working around nap time for my toddlers, meals, and other errands. There have been days where we got zero academic learning accomplished because we planned a social outing. Sigh.
2. Lack of appropriate playmates hurts social opportunities
Homeschooling and socializing is hard. But it’s even more difficult in small, secluded towns, like the one in which we live. Additionally, we are a transient family part of an equally transient culture in the military. Friends come and go, unfortunately! Sure, we are part of a local homeschool group. But there are only a few other appropriate playmates for my oldest child in that group. Even then, socialization with them is hit or miss. Sometimes, the “friends” aren’t exactly as nice as we had hoped, or we never see them again. Sigh again.
3. Plenty of Inappropriate playmates
Sometimes when I do take my children to the children’s area of the gym or to the park, there are plenty of kids there….the wrong ones! Last time we went to the gym, I had to ask the parents of an 8-year old boy to make their son quit dragging my 3-year old son on the ground. When they got onto him, he turned around and yelled at my 5-year old daughter, calling her a cheater. These are not the kind of kids I want my child to socialize with! It’s times like this that homeschooling and socializing seem to be mutually exclusive, unfortunately. Strike out, again!
4. Your own personality prevents social outings
I wouldn’t necessarily call myself an introvert. In fact, I usually strike up a conversation with almost everyone I meet while waiting in line for whatever reason. However, my husband and I are not social butterflies, and we are keenly aware of this. We are content being with our family and in our own company. We don’t attend church (only because the Catholic churches in our area don’t offer child care during services). Against societal norms, we are not active social media users. Also, we don’t participate in my husband’s work-related social events. That’s just who we are!
Research suggests a relationship between how we homeschool and our (parents’) personality traits. I imagine this rolls over into socialization efforts, too. Even though we are comfortable with our social standing, my husband and I have to remember that we’ve had our whole lives to make friends. We’ve had a chance to master the skill. Our children haven’t been afforded this opportunity yet, and I can’t rob them of it.
5. Context of social events
I’ll admit that we have turned down social opportunities for my children for what may seem like petty reasons. But hear me out. I’m not ready for my daughter to have a slumber party yet. Therefore, we aren’t allowing her to attend the slumber party offered at the child care center at our military installation next month. Dance class is not an option. It’s expensive, my children have no interest, it’s too late at night, and it’s 30 minutes away. We considered basketball, but then found out we would be traveling the majority of the time that it was offered.
I’m debating attending a Valentine’s day bowling party next month. However, we have to bring a baked treat that must be free of all common allergens. As a self-proclaimed semi-professional baker, I don’t believe in gluten-, dairy-, nut-, dye-, and essentially flavor-free cupcakes…sorry! Besides, I don’t honestly have the ingredients in my kitchen for all these modifications, and I’m not really interested in purchasing them. And finally, going to another church of a different affiliation is not really an option for us. So many if’s, and’s, and but’s in the context of homeschooling and socialization!
How to Overcome These Obstacles
Gosh, so all of this makes me sound like a horrible parent who offers my children no chance to socialize! So what am I doing, you are probably wondering? Well, let me share a few words of wisdom just from my experience:
1. Seek out events that fit your social expectations and schedule.
I enjoy taking my children to our local library on Friday afternoons for their Fun Friday program. The activities vary from arts and crafts to lego-building contests to STEM-related learning. I know the age range of the children that usually attend and the schedule of activities ahead of time. This removes many of the unknown variables from the equation. The time is still constructive and educational. The place isn’t packed with too many children, and parents must supervise their children at all times. As an added bonus, we get to check out some books on our way out.
After a few trial runs, I found that socializing my children at the library worked much better for us than other places. Parents were less likely to supervise their children at the playground or gym. This usually led to problems almost every time we went to those places, so the library became our new favorite. The library was one place where homeschooling and socialization happened seamlessly, hand-in-hand!
2. Give your children a voice in the matter.
I had a playdate set up the other day at a park that doesn’t have a playground area (but it is next to a picnic area and pond). For some reason, my little girl was uncharacteristically mean all morning long until eventually I cancelled the playdate. After much poking and prodding, I learned that she was not interested in our playdate because there was no playground area. That’s why she essentially sabotaged it. Lesson learned here…my children and I have different personalities, and I need to consider that when curating their socialization opportunities!
3. Search for appropriate playmates.
In my experience, children rarely randomly meet appropriate playmates. I generally try to socialize my children in events where age guidelines are suggested. For example, my kids would love to socialize at Chuck E. Cheese’s (if only I would let them). But the other children there are many times too old and not always well-mannered. However, our local zoo offers homeschool classes suitable for different suggested age ranges, and they enjoy those events just as much. Finding these events is difficult, especially in our small town. I really rely on my homeschool support groups and local co-ops for this information.
4. Stop inappropriate “friendships” immediately.
Homeschooling and socialization is more difficult, in my opinion, for young children. They think that any child is a good friend, and that is not the case.
Homeschooled children, especially younger ones, may lack the skills to differentiate between “appropriate” and ” inappropriate” friends. This happened to my little girl when the much older little boy who lives in our neighborhood suddenly took an interest in playing with her. She thought it was great because he had a scooter. I thought it was completely unsuitable because she was 5 and he was 12. My husband and I put a stop to it immediately, even though she didn’t understand why. We still have to explain to her why she can’t play with him. We still have to guide her to meet friends more suited to her age and gender. But we hope she will understand one day why we put an end to this “friendship”.
5. Incorporate learning into socialization activities.
Lack of time seems to be one of the biggest hindrances in homeschooling and socialization of our children. To overcome that, look for opportunities that allow them to learn and socialize at the same time. Our local homeschooling group offers weekly classes taught by different parents (usually the moms) over a variety of subjects aimed at certain age ranges. The children get to meet with same-age peers and learn at the same time, which is a win-win for everyone! I know our library offers a homeschooling hour (or 2) on Thursdays. Also, the zoo offers courses specifically for homeschoolers every Monday. Finding learning opportunities outside the home is a great way to provide homeschooling and socialization at the same time.
6. Know what research says about homeschooling and socialization.
Finally, in researching some about homeschooling and socialization, I stumbled across a couple of academic research articles. One found that homeschooled children’s social skills are “exceptional”, as evidenced from three divergent perspectives researched in the study. Another article revisits common myths about the social skills of homechooled children. It assured me that homeschooling does not in fact produce social misfits (among other myths). Seeing as how these how academic, research-backed, peer-reviewed journals, I feel a little better about my child’s socialization.
What I’ve learned so far
I’ve not been homeschooling long. But I’ve always known that my oldest child is a social butterfly and that homeschooling would likely be counterproductive to her outgoing personality. I really put socialization on the back burner until recently when I noticed how upset she became when she talked about wanting some friends.
As hard as it is to admit, I realized that I was being selfish and viewed my children’s socialization as an inconvenience to my schedule. If it were up to me, I could stay in my pajamas all day. I mean, Walmart delivers groceries, I can do all I need to online, we homeschool, and I work from home…why do I need to get out of them? I had to change my attitude immediately. My children need social skills just as much as anything else, if not more, than I am teaching them!
Final Thoughts
I realized that homeschooling and socialization are both up to me. I decided to begin diligently seeking opportunities, trying to set up more playdates, attending more homeschool functions, and making smarter use of my babysitter (maybe she can watch my twin toddlers while I take the older two for a social outing?) so that I can offer my children the opportunity to make friends. My children are friendly, outgoing, and naturally skilled at making friends. If I remove my hurdles, then we can focus on making them more well-rounded, happier individuals as they master social skills and situations.
For now, I plan on continuing to use my repertoire of socialization strategies, but I will expand on them this year…even if that means going against all that I believe in and making gluten-free cupcakes!
What have you done to socialize your child? Any success stories? I’d love to hear them!