When I was a teacher, I used behavior charts (or some other form of positive behavior system) in my classroom. And they worked great, even for high school students! The expectations were clear, the behaviors were defined, and the rewards were attainable. Students knew what acceptable behavior was in order to get the end prize, and my classroom was orderly and conducive for learning.
So naturally, I expected the same results when I tried behavior charts at home with my own children. I quickly learned that what works in the classroom doesn’t always work with your own kids! I tried several positive behavior charts (or ideas), all to no avail. For one reason or another, they never worked well, especially the various sticker behavior charts!
Problems with Sticker Behavior Charts
Let me tell you about the problems I encountered with sticker behavior charts:
- My kids were more interested in picking out stickers and decorating their charts than understanding what the stickers represented on the sticker chart. I had to explain time and time again that a small smiley emoji sticker had as much merit as a glitter flower sticker or a larger 3-D firetruck sticker. But my words never mattered. They only wanted the stickers that appealed to them, and even turned some down, even though it meant not getting a sticker at all!
- If the sticker didn’t fit perfectly in the space on the chart (like it crossed the line to the next space), then that was actually two stickers, according to my kids. They quickly found a way to cheat the system (so they thought).
- They began to
wantfeel entitled to stickers for the tiniest of tasks. Don’t get me wrong, I was proud of my children for accomplishing these tasks, such as brushing their teeth or making their beds. But to earn a sticker, they were supposed to do something beyond my expectations. I had to “catch” them doing something good (hey, it worked in the classroom!). Yeah, try explaining that a then 3- and 5-year old. It went straight over their heads. - When my kids did actually legitimately earn a sticker, there were no stickers in sight or I was inevitably driving. I had to issue IOU’s for stickers, but I think my kids figured out how to charge interest on them. I lost count, they forgot what the sticker was for…it was completely ineffective.
- As sweet as it is to see my kids sharing with each other, they didn’t understand that just because one of them earned a sticker, the other didn’t necessarily do the same. My little girl used to say, as she was choosing her sticker, “One for me, and here’s one for Liam!” Liam….her brother who minutes before had thrown a complete meltdown in the middle of the kitchen floor because it was time to come inside. Um, no.
- Following through with the rewards/incentives was almost impossible. We started off giving small tokens or toys, but then my other children would play with that toy. That made the reward pretty much ineffective for the one who actually earned it. Then we moved on to experiences (such as going to get ice cream with Mommy), but our schedule allows for very, very little one-on-one time for those rewards to be effective, either.
- It became rather costly. Eventually, the smaller tokens/toys were no longer sufficient. My children wanted bigger, more expensive rewards for their behavior. This added up quickly, but the behavior didn’t improve any more quickly or last any longer!
I’m sure someone out there is reading this, thinking to themselves that I just didn’t implement the system correctly. And they are probably right. But for us, this family, and our unique dynamics, sticker behavior charts just didn’t work for us.
A better behavior management system
Soon, the behavior chart became a sticker landing board adorned with colorful crayon stick figures. It was nothing more than a glittery, multicolored sheet of brilliant chaos that hung, without a purpose, on the refrigerator.
I was so over these sticker charts!
As my husband and I cleaned up after dinner one night, I looked at the charts. In one deliberate, swift move, I tugged them off the fridge, crumbled them up, and threw them into the garbage can. It might have been a little exaggerated, but like I said, I was over them! My husband looked at me awkwardly and then asked why I did that. It all of a sudden dawned on me, and here’s what I told him:
“I didn’t have a sticker chart growing up. I bet you didn’t either. And we turned out just fine, don’t you think?”
And we did, believe it or not! We turned out just fine. He has a very successful, disciplined career in the military. I have a Ph.D. and 14 years teaching experience before becoming a stay-at-home-mother. We don’t live beyond our means. I would consider us overall polite, social, well-rounded individuals. We don’t smoke or do drugs, and we work hard and yet make time for hobbies. We put our family and children first, and we keep a clean house and pay our bills on time. Most importantly, we try our best to live according to God’s laws and to instill them in our children. And we learned to do all this without a sticker behavior chart growing up!
He blinked, processed, shrugged his shoulders, and agreed. Out went the sticker charts.
From that point forward, we have replaced sticker behavior charts with a different kind of reward system in our house, and it’s the best one by far. So what is it?
Praise.
Simple as that. Well, we probably add a hug, kiss, or a high five to the praise, but it all starts with praise.
Why praise works better than behavior charts
My husband and I reasoned that our kids were working toward a tangible reward with the sticker behavior chart, and that was one of the reasons it was so ineffective. Once the newness of the reward wore off, they would return to their old behavior again. This was as soon as the next day most of the time.
Even when we made the rewards less tangible (such as an experience instead of a toy), our children still didn’t seem to learn from their behavior. The experiences were too hard for us to provide on an individual basis, but this may just unique to our military family situation. For example, what am I supposed to do with 3 other children while I reward 1 child with a one-on-one experience? I have no sitter and my husband is deployed. Oh, and we have no family around here. Yeah, that wasn’t going to work.
But as soon as we took away the toy/candy/reward/item and replaced it with simple yet genuine praise, we noticed a change in our children’s behavior. I wouldn’t say it changed drastically because our children didn’t normally behave poorly anyway. But we noticed that our children took more pride in their tasks, in themselves, and as members of this family.
They started doing things the first time we asked (or without being asked at all). Our children complied with our requests without whining or complaining, as we saw so much before. They began to want to help around the house and to learn to do chores. We saw fewer fits and tantrums (though they weren’t negated altogether). And our children began to behave in a more appropriate, positive, lasting manner.
How we implement the praise system
My husband and I made a deliberate effort to praise the smallest efforts, even if they lead to a mistake. For example, my little boy might put his shoes on the wrong feet when I ask him to. But I will praise him for doing what I asked the first time! Then I help him fix his shoes.
Of course we praise the big efforts, too! My little girl is just about to graduate her kindergarten year of homeschool, and that’s a big accomplishment (especially with me as a teacher!). To celebrate and let her know how proud we are, we will be having a small graduation party, complete with a diploma a cake. We want her to know how proud we are of her efforts and we want to praise them so that she continues them into a lifetime of learning.
We also make it a point to tell our children something very specific that made us proud of them that day before we tuck them into bed at night. My husband and I want our children to go to bed knowing that we are proud of them and that we love them. I’m pretty sure the sticker behavior chart didn’t do that!
Of course, there are more intricacies about using praise effectively. In her article, Dr. Gwen Dewar summarizes what research has discovered about the effects of praise and how to use it wisely.
Final Thoughts
Yes, we still give them rewards every now and then. My children aren’t angels, but they are learning. I can honestly say, though, that praise is their favorite reward. It’s our favorite too!
So, as I have 2-year old twins growing older, my lesson has been learned. No more sticker behavior charts! Not for this family! I will choose to reward my children with love and praise and watch as it shapes them into individuals we are so proud of!